I recall as a teenager committing some infraction and being punished with a grounding and some type of lost privileges.
My grounding may or may not have had something to do with a boy.
At this point the details are fuzzy, but I was definitely in trouble for something.
Grounding worked on me because I was not the type of kid to sneak out or really fight back.
I recall discussing my loss of privileges with my Grandmother, whose response surprised me. She said, “I wish your parents understood the difference between discipline and punishment.”
That moment between my grandmother and I really stuck with me.
I was punished on the regular because of my ADHD and associated lack of motivation and impulsivity quite a bit as a teenager. I just didn’t understand that my ADHD was the reason I was always getting in trouble.
If anything I was still in denial about my diagnosis.
In the midst of my own parenting journey I still wonder: What is the difference between discipline and punishment?
You know how I am..I needed to find out the answers for myself.
Discipline v. Punishment
According to Michael Dyson in his New York Times article written in the aftermath of the Adrian Peterson scandal, the words “discipline” and “punishment” are actually vastly different, though many of us get them confused.
Dyson explains that there are socio-economic and even ethnic connections to how we parent our children. This is all fascinating to me. If you feel the same way check out his article HERE.
Discipline comes from the Latin word discipuli meaning student or disciple. This suggests a teacher – pupil relationship.
Punishment on the other hand comes from the Greek word poine a Latin derivative of poena, which means revenge, and forms the words pain and penalty. Source
I don’t know about you but I have no desire to inflict pain upon my child, no matter how much psychic pain he may inflict upon me. And he does, pretty much every day. But that is parenting, right?
In my unending quest to become a better parent, I have read the original Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. To this day, it is my #1 go –to for my parenting questions.
This is the one that I have. click here for my full disclosure policy.
Even though I do not always practice what Cline and Fay teach, I use this book to bring me around when I am having a bad parenting moment. Or week, as the case may be.
There are Love and Logic books available on a variety of parenting topics, I highly recommend you check them out.
Authoritative Parenting is finally getting some street cred.
The work of Diana Baumrind
There was a ton of information here, but I will simplify it for you. There are basically four styles of parenting: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Neglectful.
Permissive and neglectful speak for themselves. These are the parents who are so overwhelmed by their own problems, or so checked-out that they barely acknowledge their children. Unfortunately, we see more of this parenting style in poverty situations.
I will save that subject for another day. Or another venue.
what is an Authoritarian parent?
Authoritarians “believe that children are strong-willed and self-indulgent…they value obedience. Authoritarians view their primary job as bending the will of the child and keeping him in his place…they favor punitive forceful measures.”
What is an authoritative Parent?
Baumrind describes this type of parent as, “Issue-oriented and pragmatic, they balance the needs of the child and his right to respect with their own needs. “ Authoritative parents, “goal is to teach children to value the same things that they do, with strict standards for conduct and verbal give and take.”
what really stood out to me was the idea that children of Authoritarian parents didn’t do so well later in life. They were more prone to depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. As were the children of absent or neglectful parents.
On the other hand, children raised by Authoritative parents were the most psychologically well adjusted. When parents are loving and responsive, their children naturally want to be aligned with them.
Also, the verbal give-and-take inherent to authoritative parenting teaches children how healthy relationships work.
At this point it occurs to me that I desperately want to be an authoritative parent, but I worry that my ADHD issues will conflict with my desire to be the kind of parent I want to be.
So how do we handle authoritative parenting when mom has ADHD too?
This is going to be tricky. How I plan to get started:
I am setting limits for my child so that he can grow into himself. If I don’t limit his television time he will watch it nonstop. If I don’t show him that the world is bigger than that tiny screen, how will he learn?
I also have a limit on how much screaming and verbal abuse I will tolerate. My son knows that if he is being unkind he will have to go to his room and work it out. He also knows that if he needs my help talking it out I am all ears.
Here’s to hoping he will start to set his own limits as he matures.
Be firm but kind
There is nothing harder than saying “no” when my son is staring at me with his big, watery blue eyes. And that lip….gets me every time.
But no, we cannot read yet another book. No, we cannot camp out in the backyard tonight. No, we cannot buy that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Shell right now.
Why not? Because I love you.
Practice Reflective Listening
Remember when I reviewed The Explosive Child? One of the main skills I took from that book was reflective listening.
For us, this involves me restating what my son says to me. Then I ask for clarification and invite him to come up with a solution. If that doesn’t work, I stay quiet and let him think.
Listening is such an important skill. Everyone wants to feel heard, understood and accepted.
Model the behavior you want to see
As an authoritative parent I am mindful of the fact that my child is always watching. He is absorbing my way of relating to other people and my coping mechanisms. Or lack thereof.
If I want him to be a kind human being, then I have to reflect that. I cannot make disparaging remarks about politicians or people in our family no matter how much I want to. I have to be a role model of acceptance and caring.
I am modeling self-care as well. I do this by placing a high value on my physical and emotional health.
Keep it real
Since I have ADHD myself, it is often hard for me to plan ahead and be consistent with my parenting. I acknowledge my faults to my son all the time. As evidenced by his willingness to tell me, “mom you are always a bad parker!”
My advice: Demonstrate through your words and actions that almost any problem can be solved if we listen to each other and work together. Disagreements are ok as long as you are respectful.
What type of parent are you?
What do you think of authoritative parenting?
What is the difference between discipline and punishment?