Me Myself And I

me myself and I

It’s been a while since I came out as ADHD on this blog. I spent so long hiding my ADHD I figure I might as well share some things about myself that most people would not know.

I’ve spent some time lately trying to figure out how self-reflection can fit into my year of self-improvement. Journaling is a form of self-reflection so starting there seems to make sense.

Consider this post a public journal entry. This is what self-reflection looks like for me. Not always pretty, but certainly real and unfiltered.

Me myself and I

 

In no particular order…

  • My earliest memory is of laying on the floor with my dad in our living room. We were reading a book. He said something over his shoulder to my mother who was behind us. The next thing I remember is her throwing toys at us and my dad blocking me with his arms so I wouldn’t be hit.
  • When I was 2 my dad left us to be with a different woman. He is still with her but not enjoying life very much. I don’t resent his decision, but I do not feel sorry for him either. It was his choice.
  • My stepmother and her daughter have always been jealous of me. Resentful of the fact that I required attention from my father. Now I resent them because of what they did to his life. One of the most painful conversations I have ever had was confessing this to my father.
  • I had a babysitter named Dot. I remember trying to nap while she watched Days of Our Lives. I also remember she had grape vines in her yard, and she let me eat the grapes right off the vine. Dot was a bright spot in an otherwise troubled childhood.
  • When I was young I thought when people got divorced it meant they had found another couple to switch spouses with. Because that is what my parents did, basically swapped. Seriously…don’t ask. It really happened.
  • Sometimes I come off as judgmental. Those close to me know that I have a good read on people. Sometimes my initial thoughts sound negative – in reality I am constantly trying to understand where someone is coming from, what motivates them. I just want to understand, not criticize.
  • I have always had at least one friend that I idolized. In first grade I wanted to be my best friend and wear my hair the same way. In second grade it was someone else. As an adult I want to be Melissa Gorga without living in NJ. (And without the whole singing career thing. Actually I think I just like her clothing. Sometimes. Sometimes I don’t like her clothing.)
  • Losing my virginity in high school was totally anticlimactic. I think I went to work afterward. I literally did not care. I still have no emotion attached to that day.
  • I look really mean when I am staring off into space – I have the “resting bitch face” as they say.   I just don’t like making eye contact with strangers. But I love it when strangers talk to me.

    me myself and I

  • I was a child of great opportunity. I got to travel and take lessons of all kinds. I once knew how to play 3 instruments. Now I know none. I never realized how charmed my life was. It wasn’t perfect, but it was so much better than so many people I have met since. I am grateful every day.
  • When my stepdad died – that was the first time I ever saw a therapist. Unfortunately, he was mostly concerned with making my mother happy.   He was never that interested in me. As an adult I had much better experiences in therapy.
  • There is a direct correlation between when I started to feel bad about myself and my ADHD diagnosis.
  • I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling/screaming. Now I cannot stand anyone raising his or her voice. Ever. It gives me too much anxiety.
  • My mother had to be strong because she had to raise two children alone. I have learned that sometimes the strongest people are the ones that need the most care and understanding.
  • I was not a great student when I was young. I was too focused on the issues at home and with my family. School was an escape for me. As an inattentive type ADD’er I could zone out and nobody noticed.
  • I never saw the point of high school. I was ready to start my life in 9th grade.  I didn’t care about homecoming. I missed my senior prom and have never regretted it. I now know that high school is not about the classes you take, or your grades – it’s about navigating life. High school is a microcosm of the larger world.
  • I have always known that I was meant to help people. For some time I thought I should be a nurse. Then a teacher. Now I just want to use my writing to touch people. I hope I can do that.
  • Under the right conditions I could see myself in the public eye.  Or not. I don’t like people watching me. But I am told my take on the world is entertaining.
  • When I was young I assumed I would someday live in Manhattan. Even now, when I visit NYC I am sad to leave. In my next life this will be my home. If I ever have any money I will get a small apartment there.
  • I believe that the ocean really can save your soul. At age 6 I wanted to be a mermaid. There is something about the sound of waves and the sand in your toes. It is therapeutic.
  • I have a recurring dream about dying in a huge tsunami. I see the same wall of water, and all of the same people are around me on the beach. And I run, and then it is over. I firmly believe that I must have had a prior life. I am not a hippy-dippy type. But I believe in this.
  • Organized religion makes me itchy. Church was an uncomfortable place for me as a child. I have trouble believing something without any proof. I suppose I have no “faith”. To me, the Bible is a collection of stories. You can certainly gain some life lessons from it, but I don’t need to believe in order to be a good and moral person.
  • I have an ongoing fear of cancer. I have lost so many people due to this scourge of humanity. I hate it and I fear it. I know on a logical level it is out of my control, but I just cannot make that fear go away. I think about it at least twice a day.
  • I love my family – but I would give a kidney up to have a few days of uninterrupted time alone. I am starting to think I am an introvert. I like meeting new people and socializing. But for me to feel truly recharged I need alone time. Preferably every day.
  • I want to write. Every. Single. Day. Maybe it doesn’t even matter if people read it. I want to be read, but I don’t want to define my success as a writer based on the number of likes I get on Facebook or Twitter.

So this is my confessional.  Me myself and I.

Are there parts of yourself that you push to the back of your mind?

Do you ever wonder if you are being true to yourself?  (or is it just me?)

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